Rubbish Bin
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Monday, December 14, 2009

again that realization of uselessness.

good-for-nothing.

yeah i failed my violin grade 8, ok? and i might barely pass this time around if i'm lucky.

yeah i can't play in tune because i can't even tune my strings right and my fingers are fat and pudgy and nowhere near dextrous enough to play fast pieces. so i make a mess of slow ones too.

yeah i know all those people in OMM/SNYO/NAFA they're my batchmates. what? oh, nah, i'm not there because i'm rubbish compared to them. something like the only person in my level who's not amongst them. there couldn't be a worse robber of self-belief/confidence.

yeah, i actually have to fake those running passages but the rest of the section get them right head-on.

yeah my violin's ill-maintained. so's my bow. and my piano. while we're at it, my scalp is weak, my hair needs to be shampoo-ed twice a day to even be somewhat clean, my back's crooked and covered with marks, my ears are screwed up, my eyes just as bad, my nose is becoming deformed, my feet are still sick, my digestive system hasn't worked properly every day for the last month, and my head hurts.the only properly functioning part of me may be my hands. and even those can't do anything on the violin. so what's the point.

and no one's my real friend anyway.

i'll always be the last choice, the first one left behind, the odd one out. all my peers around me make me feel peerless in every aspect. sidelines,backstage and shadow, seems that's as far as i'll ever get.

i used to think i'd be able to cheer myself up or at least express myself by being able to play that sort of music. but i can't even do that, so what can I do?

Adi added to the nonsense at 7:16 AM

Saturday, December 05, 2009

why can't they just get divorced.

yes i understand what i'm saying.

so be not surprised that i am never going to marry.

Adi added to the nonsense at 7:20 PM

Saturday, November 21, 2009

such a desperado I am.

Adi added to the nonsense at 5:39 AM

Sunday, November 08, 2009

i'm dying.
slowly.
in my mind.
inescapably.

forget about me,
world.

Adi added to the nonsense at 12:04 AM

Friday, November 06, 2009

music are my words.

the music, of Philip Glass.

Adi added to the nonsense at 6:42 AM

Saturday, October 24, 2009

haha.

yes, it's funny.

laugh.

for every time I feel happy and worthwhile talking to you and non-guilty,

there's an alternate time I feel like I'm wasting my time and being a completely foolish numskull.

sometimes they're both the same time.



I wonder if I can put myself through it for the next two years. After such a trying time, everything will be sufferable. almost, anything.

actually, it already is. I'm ready, show me what you've got. (: i'm game. as I have always been, and will be.

Adi added to the nonsense at 8:02 AM

Friday, October 23, 2009

What the hell am I still doing here.

I thought I was intelligent and I had a brain.

I thought I could do math.

If I can do math, why not physics?

Why. Why is it always physics.

I love physics. I want to learn physics.

and yet everytime I barely pass.

and again overall, shitty marks and even worse percentages.

my percentage is what our head prefect got last year, plus point.

the thing is, he managed that while being head prefect, minus point.

I thought I did it this time, finally.

But sometimes even the end is not the redemption.


It's going to take something now, something big.

to change things.


Do I even have to say how garbage I feel.

Adi added to the nonsense at 1:42 AM

Me
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ex-SwissCottage, ex-PEPS, current-ACSIndependent
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wanna-be arts/physics/math student.
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Raffls MUN 2008 - Russia - UNReform
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