Thursday, May 22, 2008
yesterday. Was one of the most tiring days of my life so far. There was school, then debate(which got postponed), then soccer, which didn't go so well. finished at about 7, got home at 8:30, then from 9 till 11:30 had a mass conversation with my RMUN fellow UNReformers.
then today, though I had nothing, it is doubtful that my middle finger of my left hand might ever be the same again. It got brutally smashed by the broom closet door by accident. so it got stuck between the two doors. as of now, the nail's turning blue. really annoying, since i cant play piano or violin with it at all.and my first joint feels like playdough.
Apparently the entire school cannot believe that I'm a prefect now. Why, am I too much of a joke?
Everyone I meet on the corridors, regardless of whether or not I know them, looks at my tie and gasps or laughs or both and makes some smart comment.
The tie is magnificent. Symbolizes refinement, purity and leadership.
oh, it has re-commenced raining beyond the window above my head as I enter these characters.Everything looks veiled, except for the tress. They stand firm and clear, extremely dark green now but completely visible. just like them, should we be too. Though our fire doused by come what may, stand tall and accept it all.
I fancy that occasionally, when I look at a picturesque scene of rain on the other side of my window,i get this impression that, heat, dust, and wear&tear slowly evaporate back into the atmosphere, causing the veil.
Similarly, we can derive a motivational motif from this.
The heat, dust and etc is trapped in buildings, pavements,roads and all, throughout the day, radiating and drearily obfuscating everyone.
Once the rain comes, though, relief washes throughout the terrain, and everything is made wholesome again, in a sense. the heat is gone, the dust is gone, all is gone.
Just like that, though you're having hard, trying or wearing times, just wait. Reprieve is ever-available to those who are willing to wait. For your 'rain' to fall. It descends so you can be stripped of obstructions and ascend. Take heart, take courage from that.
now, slowly, the backdrop shifts a subtle colour tone. It's similar to dark lilac now, though now 5 minutes ago, it was a dreamy quavering blue.
Transitions.
play with subconscious perceptions.
Hold a white lily against the latter backdrop, you get an image of a cheap watercolour.
Hold a white lily against the former backdrop, you get an image of mysticism and focus.
Not that I tried. Simply.....subconsciously perceived.
The veils gone, the trees blend into unnerving oblivion, the concrete jungle takes over. White, artificial lights, small yet numerous, emit their waves and/or particles to illuminate what seems to be an impossibly clearer atmosphere, albeit temporarily. The lights of the stadium create a faint but persisting halo around the most distant of Man's artificial onslaught against a natural home, perhaps signalling that things have only just begun, there's plenty more to come.
indeed, I believe there's a match kicking-off.
And We Enter the Night Phase.
But then, there have been simply too many literary works concerning that, I shall leave my visage's image of that for a future time.
How I wish there were no corridor beneath my feet, so that the rain could really splash on my window. So much to observe, to deduce, to speculate, but alas, the chance is lost, the rain has gone, the night overlaps and becomes central.
Till another day, it will return, for that is one thing certain for a good while to come. Change is a Constant, but the variability fluctuates in morphing.
*/those yesteryears seem so side-tracked. Sense of completion, Man Utd win the Champion's League trophy again this morning, aptly./*
Adi added to the nonsense at
Monday, May 19, 2008
Nearly cried last night, for reasons still unbeknownst to me. Couldn't possibly be those few lines made known to me concerning myself...
today, dad completely randomly took me and my mom to watch Bhootnath. o.O whats with him suddenly.
As it turned out anyway, it was a vital learning experience.for me.
it's a must-watch movie. And I've derived a bunch of stuff from it.
Just like Bhootnath, I always imagine my bleak future to contain me being left behind by everything and everyone that matters to me, even though I do all I can to avoid it. bleak तन्हाईयां ...
Sometimes, when you're doing your duty, you have to do unforgivable things, no matter how much it hurts or costs. And you have to face up to your conscience, the hardest thing of all.
Spirits exist.
I will be the bestest daddy I can be, if there's ever a mom and child. Please don't think that I'm twisted, but, come to think of it, the under-the-surface transformation from girl to woman to mother is really....interesting.No wonder Boys Like Girls, pardon the pun. Their selective capabilities far outweigh ours. Not that we completely suck or stuff. The things they have to accept are....really trying, to say the least.
picture this: You're part of an awesome team in everything you do. Suddenly, you are excluded and made to lead a bunch of random people, all by yourself, alone in your work, isolated from the world. No one seems to care about anything, you're the only 'on' person there. Build yourself from the ashes once more, with a limitless supply of confidence and dogged persistence. Though you break inside, you know you have to accomplish something, so you carry on, regardless of anything and everything. at this point Rabindranath's "Ekla Cholo Rey" song comes to mind. So you're completely lost from what you used to be.
or this: you are part of a group of really close friends, and slowly, one by one, they leave you behind. helpless and heartbroken. and you lose contact. Years later, you're forced to recount the memories and how you've lived your life, without them. And gradually, you lose your life and soul too, reminiscing, hoping they'll come back some day.
I'd post more but no time, will do it tmrw I hope.
Adi added to the nonsense at
Friday, May 16, 2008
Well, how was YOUR day, eh, acsindep sec 3 sbge/ip? you, I, WE got our results back, finally.
Guess almost everyone felt like it was doomsday.
....I certainly didn't.hm.except for AdvMath. Convinced I'd fail, fortunately i lack conviction, for it was not so. Horrible enough on its own, anyway, thanks.haha. Didn't fail anyth, did quite well for a few, not so great for the rest. that's of little importance at the moment anyway, they're just numbers. suffice to say I got 37 pts aggregate this term, not counting any pending bonuses. =\ could be a lot better, given that i barely had a chance to study for the exams at all. mind you 37 pts = to around 71.5%, which is actually close to what I got, but yeah. whatever. exams are exams.
quote WeiYang(waterpolo, not the softball one): " We've classified people into 3 categories this term:
1.some people work hard and get a high average.
2.some people are just born smart and get a high average.
3. some people take GEOG and get a high average."
ROFL. haha, well geog IS almost free marks.almost like 'cheating' the tripsci/chembio/physbio students, isn't it?ah well, im rather satisfied with the aforementioned exception of AMath. i might even have to take remedial, a new all-time low for me, that is.
some random Nokia School Invasion Rock/Pop Tour occurred this afternoon. like, yeesh. what was that, garbage invasion? Pop/Rock is already standardized enough, why waste our precious time audiating local bands performing songs which aren't even remotely intriguing but follow the norm for pop? annoying guitars which have no melody, way overdone drumset, and vocals are either screamed/drowned. what the hell. No offense to the performers though. You gotta make your own living however you can, and desperate times call for desperate measures, i guess?
so, well, admittedly I'd specified previously that i'd post my thoughts about the teaching profession, and about some teachers i'm under.so, on with it, then.
please, peers, friends, colleagues, comrades, brothers, sisters,whatever you want to call yourself. don't give a teacher a hard time.
yeah, yada yada, the guai nerd standing up for the devils themselves. not. please acquiesce with my rationale.
they are lonely people. think about it. You grow up with all your friends around you, some are bright and go on to fashionable careers, some aren't so much and go into the military or concrete jungle offices, but you don't do so great either and choose to become a teacher. and thus lose much of your contact with your friends.
they move on in their jobs, but you are almost certain of being stuck where you are. every day, prepare lesson plans, worksheets, exams, CCA events, other events, mark assignments and homework, and whatnot. Plus waste half your day with children who just can't seem to figure out what's best for themselves. It makes you feel so alone in your battle to educate the future. Barely any time to re-build relations with old hands, you have to suffice with new ones, who are all the ones left out from their circles, just like you. How would you feel, if you got separated from all your friends right now, and forced to lead a random bunch of people who aren't in the mood to co-operate, as well as cater to their every need and necessity? it would really frustrate you, wouldn't it.
for this reason, they have to build a strong character, or at least a strong front. Unco-operative students, shoddy projects, clashing schedules, yet you almost never see your teacher not coming for class because he or she is stressed. They take on the hard life and take it well. We might as well give them time to relax when we can do something about it. They worry about our marks in exams more than we worry about them ourselves, would you believe. that's one reason i cut them some slack, at any rate.
as for another: incredible as it may sound, they DO have a social life, or remnants of it. Yes, even KTan or Nickles or FHo or XSH. Say they had a quarrel with a close friend, or even someone nearer to their heart. Of course they will not be in a good mood. Some of them react, some of them soak it in and wither. Either one is extremely undesirable, don't you admit? You don't want another fellow human being to feel upset and cry or feel sucky and things, if you have a heart and wanna do something about it.
& it's even more mean if the teacher is not so young. he or she is new to this, still adapting to the meagre salary and even more stingy response from the students, and the breakup with social life. please go easy on them, okay? they do have hard times too, just like us.
Face it, they WERE us, For all you know, RVijay was the coolest girl around in her school, but she ended up teaching us physics. Or KTan was a super-on NCC Cadet who owned at mugging. How interesting it would be, no, to know more about the backgrounds of those who give us knowledge? imagine and explore...
so therefore, people, think conscientiously before you decide to skip the next assignment or pon some presentation or copy some homework. It takes little effort on your part but every time you do that, it kills a little something inside the teacher. If it keeps up, soon, here may not be much left to kill, will there.
sounds like those irrepressible posters like " for every animal you don't eat, i'll eat THREE" or "for every rule of harmony you break, J.S.Bach kills a kitten." rather amusing, contextually.
*and i'd have so much to say, but is there anyone to listen to it?
Adi added to the nonsense at
Thursday, May 15, 2008
... well today was a hard slog, I suppose. CMath, Physics, Bio, Chem, etc. Then there was this really random Chinese Pop Concert, which I suspect was done by the Project Superstar people. yknow, the ones on Channel U or something?whatever. Quite the yawn, they were promoting vocal music training, they couldn't even get their intervals and intonation somewhat accurate. I can honestly believe that I am a more accurate, if not perhaps as expressive, singer.
Then Cricket training, where, for once, I could enjoy myself. Bowled a 2-wicket over, and scored around 12 off 18 balls. :D I'm so happy.
And in the morning, my mentor told me that I made it to prefectship! that was the defining moment of the day for me, a victory at the very end. after all those failures. It really means something to me, to achieve this, if you will believe me. I know that people believe that prefects are big jokes who mess themselves up because they're more bound by the rules&restrictions than they are. But really, why can't they see that, without us, the school life would be rather torrid and uncontrollable? We can put bullies in their place. We can do the dirty work just so that something can happen according to schedule. and a host of other things. And these are things that I would simply love to do. That's why it has been my non-adult life's ambition to become a prefect, and, finally I succeed at the very last, unlikely, chance. I'd like to thank some people for this, please bear with me. Clifton M Yeo W K. You've become my close friend since we've known each other, and we share a special bond and level of connection most people don't develop so quickly. Now, we're prefects too, and I hope that just strengthens our brotherhood. You helped me realize my dream, I will never, forget or be ungrateful for it. Sheng Yung, for your mentorship. Though you made me work quite independently during these 9 or so weeks, I know you always kept watch on me, even from next door, to make sure my standards never dropped. I also know that I probably didn't do so well, but your faith in me allowed me to gain this status. Thank you, profusely. And all those people who sincerely believe they are my friends, for sticking with me through all my past failures and misachievements in life, for it must have been extremely testing for you.
& now i'm irrepresibly tired, but I'm doing this, just for you. and it's not just because I'm trying to be nice. You matter to me, and if this keeps you happy, well, I'm happy too, lets put it that way. =)
Hey, you know how it feels when you're in a time crunch? Like, everything just piles up into this ridiculously short period of time, and you have to prepare for all of them and you're just going to be so frustrated? That's what I'm experiencing right now. Tuesday, i get my official accesories, and there's learning journey to the Discovery Center, then when we come back, we have MEP. Wednesday, usual school + inter-class soccer OR debate, OR both. Thursday, school +cricket. Friday, i really don't know what.
the first week of holidays, which is the week after the one above; Tuesday morning, Singapore Math Olympiad. Tuesday Afternoon-Wednesday Afternoon, MOE MEP Intersch Camp @ RI. Wednesday Morning-Friday Night - RMUN'08. the week after that, SMUN'08. after that, IMUN@AC'08. Hectissimo, I wish such a word could be coined for the purposes of this post. Its quite apt, if you think about it.
I think I've realized, finally something. something that I've always felt was missing yet couldn't pinpoint it. Given what I've displayed myself as, it may be quite shocking and/or hilarious, inter alia.
I just need a singular 'thing' , in order to really revive me in my life for a long time to come. I just want a real hug from someone who truly cares about me, The Way Old Friends Do, with all the warmth that comes with it. And also, to be able to give that to someone. its the most meaningful and direct way to show that you treasure someone, after all. Maybe it's something I'll never receive, but doesn't hurt to wish, does it.
Guess I'll make myself content with today. Really, it was such a good day for me, one that most experience often but is a stranger to me.
People, remind me. My next post will be concerning my views concerning the occupations of teachers. You may not want to miss that one. =P
I think I'll break here today. I AM rather fazed, ahem. oh look, the primary subject of my next post just signed in to MSN. awesome, isn't it, these days. MSN.Yahoo!. GTalk. Orkut.Facebook.Hi5.Myspace.Blogger. and the rest. you know....ok shutup, me. reserve this speculative lecture for the next next post, then.
ciao. :)
Adi added to the nonsense at
Monday, May 12, 2008
music makes legends come alive.
music turns a life into a legend.
I am such a corny person.
Wish I had a transcription of my conversations in school. You'd be inclined to laugh yourself silly at my nonsense, heh.
prefect mentorship results will be told on Monday. oh, the anxiety.not.
,our exam results will be told on Friday. now we're talking about anxiety.
yawn. aaah sigh MEP paper review tomorrow. horrors.
Feel uncannily buoyant today. of course had the usual nonchalant insults and stuff chucked at me but I felt like some battle-scarred person, y'know? like these little things don't hurt anymore; it's the big ones that matter.
but we shall spare the readers for this time, shall we? There's not so long more to go, anymore.
Pirates of the Caribbean and Titanic themes just take control of me whenever I sit down to play. They are pretty powerful, I'd say.
I have to admit, now when I see your deliberate paltry unenthusiastic responses, it's extremely disconcerting and disheartening to me. ): you aren't supposed to be this way. please?
I don't know what to write here now, unless you want me to put that same old, again?
-
all this has been needless. so ineffective. if only it were that simple to rewind back the months.
speaking of which, can you imagine, how painful it would be, emotionally, to rewind your life and live it again?
I don't know really. For me, there's something really heartbreaking in the thought that you're left behind in a sense. I wonder if that makes sense. because, you were at the normal 'pace' of your life. now you rewind back a significant extent, and live it again, in the exact same manner of course. it just sucks so bad. you gain much retrospect, hopefully, but to me, it feels as though I'm being left behind by 'my' world: my friends, my family, my activities, my role in society, as while i live back the years/months/days, the world keeps on moving, leaving you behind forever.
I think I've a weakness here. I'm scared of getting left behind, in any kind of situation. Staying on, sacrificially is something I'd do without second thoughts, but trailing behind, barricaded. I'm just emotionally terrified of that. Like when you're trapped in a fire, and the structures all around you are falling to blazes, people around you escape left right and centre, but you're stuck there. left behind. to salvage and do what you can.
Now I feel so vulnerable all over. Want to go sit huddled in a corner in perspective, insecure analysis. I already feel left behind, as such, in my musical academics. I'm like the lowest graded MEPer in sec 3. Everybody else is at least a grade ahead. And I can't help but attribute that to my rather stingy Grade 2 piano teacher, who retained me for 3 straight years because she was a...well you know what. if it weren't for her, I possibly would be doing my DipABRSM or something. now I have to go and sleep. something I detest with all my heart, but can't live without. the irony, eh? to be continued tomorrow...
Adi added to the nonsense at
Saturday, May 10, 2008
some say i'm 'too nice'.
i would say others are 'too nice'.
you'd say it's not my fault.
but it is.
a walking disaster.
please, go save yourselves for yourselves.
and to save yourselves, i'll take this offline too,on the day of SMO.
happy life hunting.
and lets revert back to who we really are.
Ishwarchandra Vidyasagar once said in a speech: let us not be dependent on anyone but ourselves.
fascinating.
Adi added to the nonsense at
loveISmorepowerfulthanfear.
look at the ruination it has brought over the ages.
look at the harm fear has caused over the ages.
love causes personal ruin, fear causes mass ruin.
collectively person for person, love destroys more than fear.
love, thus, can also achieve much more than fear.
would you rather sacrifice something for someone you love, or someone whom you fear.
love can save the world.alone.
my loss to its cause is but a small spark that goes hitherto unnoticed and derived false conclusions from.
" better to have loved and lost than never have loved at all."
more often than not, makes me feel like an extremely hopeless achiever in that sense. i don't want anything anymore.
Adi added to the nonsense at
the song playing now has the lyrics of "i remember a time when i was sitting alone..."
guess that's how my future is cemented as. being alone, by my own doing or otherwise.
my life's idiosyncrasies. wish that could leave me alone.
no one's forcing you to read the previous post.
Adi added to the nonsense at
well, good job, you.
I trusted you against what people tell me, turns out I'm wrong once again.
seriously, what was the need to tell them about it. i barely trust them, and you rather knew it wasn't supposed to be made public. did you need to gossip that badly.
i try for something with you, it doesn't work and im okay with that. good fortunes temporarily come my way then leave, and it hurts me yet again but im still okay with that. i just had to tell someone and i trusted you with it. and i tell you its between you and me. but you have to tell other people.
now i have no hope with you as per normal, nor with her. she was possibly the only one i could ever have, and thanks to you that's gone now.
what did you want, really? you're so clueless about everything, no wonder this happened.i see no point wasting my time being angry or vengeful because it amounts to nothing and i suck at everything i try to be anyway.
so, actually, everything IS too good to be true for me isn't it. i know its my fault. it always is.
what else can i do really, other than be full of faults.
the one thing i sincerely never want to do is hurt other people, yet i do it all the time.
to you, well you absolutely don't want to know me, and i know you're more than justified. regret's all that is going to exist now, isn't it. right now, i can't help things. not that you'll even be reading this, why would you bother.
but really, look at my display message, if you can bring yourself to do so. it occurred to me yesterday because I saw you online for quite a while and i felt really lost and sad because i wasn't talking to you.
hell, and i used to think things couldn't get worse. well, they still can. there's no limit to negatives, only positives have a very low roof.
Adi added to the nonsense at
Thursday, May 08, 2008
purely, simply. neglected.overlooked. without a second thought.
why am I affected so easily?
it's not like im taken into account in decisions in the first place, why be deluding myself.
spectator ion-ship?
you talk to me for your whim and fancy, when you're in the mood. when it's otherwise, monologues prevail. as do soliloquys.
and you don't even talk to me anymore unless you need some material gain.
should I ignore and leave it all behind me?
new times are heralded, the future is calling.
Adi added to the nonsense at
Tuesday, May 06, 2008
IF I can stop one heart from breaking,
I shall not live in vain;
If I can ease one life the aching,
Or cool one pain,
Or help one fainting robin
Unto his nest again,
I shall not live in vain.
-EMILY DICKINSON
live in vain, or live in vanity? you decide, you choose your life.
Adi added to the nonsense at
Sunday, May 04, 2008
Labels: breakdown, little by little.
almost every other exam is following in the coming 5 days. hah, I'm not really bothered. I may not be a high-achiever in exams anymore, but I can still realize that they're not much challenge, at all. A little hard work, perseverance and focus will do it. I wonder if it still works for me....
this 'tangle of human ties' involving me keeps breaking my heart, just like that. I don't know who to go for, for better or for worse, because I've been pathetic plenty of times already. giving away my dignity and throwing caution to the wind...it's been done enough. These are the so-called 'golden' years, when what's to be will be, and what's not to be won't.
So I understand that maybe nothing of the sort will be allowed to happen, especially with all my past attempts the way they are. I know I'm really nice to you people, but it makes me really sad everytime i'm put back into the background, amongst the shadows by you. and then brought once more to the stage, to be, what seems like, being played thoroughly, when it looks as though some substantial plot progression will occur, but never, disappointingly did.
and it's really stupid and hopeless of me to dare to want anything like that , but i guess i did have some sort of expectations. one of you never knows what she really wants. the other simply is too polite to say she doesn't want to have anything to do with me. i accept that, for what other effect could I possibly have on a person. it's like destroying hope that shouldn't have been there in the first place.
not just about such relationships, but peer to peer is relevant too. wait, i don't have peers. i'm peerless, at the bottom end. you respect me as a conscious being when you're in doubt, but when it's time to have fun, i'm some guinea pig who has fluff for brains or feelings. congratulations, theory turned to fact and nowadays i've no intellect nor does anyone seem to respect my wisps of emotions.
let's just not talk about what happens at home. it's like i don't belong there, i don't belong amongst people i could have, in some other life, called friends, then where do i fit. or do i have the role of being the extra piece in the jigsaw puzzle. to be discarded at the end, after all is done, like i never mattered.
it leads me to wonder whether anything would be better if i turned my cognition off and behaved as though nothing could ever affect me in any way. if i stopped doing my best to act as though nothing ever happened to me, and being the me you all have come to know, and turning it into reality.
memories?what memories. nothing you can figuratively develop and frame up based on monochrome or greyscale. only pure,deep black. everything that caused happiness or joy preceded something that showed me how simple, how stupid and worthless i am perceived to be. what the world thinks of you, you will become that. so what can I possibly do about that.
for your sakes, I become the happy-go-lucky, ever cheerful and smiling person you all love to take advantage of. do i have to purge myself of that and simply maintain the completely mentally and physically broken person I really am. if you just give me a chance, i can be somebody, you know.a really happy person, who can bring light to your life. and i'll do it. at my own personal expense. only that no one is willing to risk it. and then i crumble all over again.
will it ever reach a resolution? of course it will, the issue that nags me is that will it be conclusive enough to do me (in)justice? who knows. only you can make it happen.
music. an extremely powerful occurrence. perhaps next to only space, and time in profundity.
but nothing, was, is or ever will be, more powerful than Love. i just want to do so in peace.
Adi added to the nonsense at
